Digital cameras and smart phones have become increasingly more accessible over the years. The consequence of this is that many people now find it necessary to take an obscenely large amount of terrible photos and upload them for everyone to see on social media like Instagram and Stalkbook.
I grew up using film. Film was precious and was not to be wasted. I took pictures of things worth remembering. Nowadays people are taking photos of what they are eating to share with the world on Instagram. I’m sure everyone will look back with fond memories at all the photos they’ve taken of uninspiring food. I look forward to the day where friends will sit in front of the fireplace, pop the champagne and open their leather-bound photo albums and reminisce about a chicken schnitzel or caesar salad that was eaten many moons ago..
I’ve compiled a list of the most popular things people like taking photos of. As you read the list, you will notice the subject matter is pretty creatively groundbreaking.
2. Obscenly shitty Tattoos
5. Average food, presented nicely, usually with a shitty beer (Corona) in the periphery.
6. Shitty nightclub photos.
When people take photos in the club, the subject matter is usually similar regardless of who is the amateur photographer of the minute.
Next time you go on your social media platform, I urge you to try this game I invented. I’ve affectionately named it ‘Have a shot of whisky every time you see one of the following types of photographs.’
Hot tip: You can’t win.
Super hot tip: Make sure you have a friend nearby to pump your stomach.
The nightclub bathroom photo.
This is a staple in my news feed. Only girls really take this one. It involves standing in front of a mirror and taking a photo of your reflection with a few of yo girlfriends to let everyone know that the real party isn’t on the dance floor or at the bar, it’s in the toilet. I think It’s great photography because you can see the camera. Its a photo of you taking a photo of your reflection taking a photo of yourself. I’ve always thought it would be easier to just ask someone to take your photo, but hey, I guess that would involve being social in a nightclub. The best thing about these photo’s is that they have great sentimental value. It’s one to show the kids and tell them about the time you went to a club, took a fat piss with your girlfriends then took a picture straight after.
The ‘Duck Face’.
Whenever there is a photo of girls, they are most likely scrunching up their lips into a pout otherwise known as the duck-face. I don’t know how this came about but whoever started this fad should hunted down.
I can’t help but look at these photos and see a girl who is about to spit out a mouth full of food or semen.
Is smiling really that uncool now? What the fuck happened to smiling? Does anybody say ‘cheese’ anymore in front of a camera?
The ‘Bros’ shot.
Put a bunch of guys in front of a camera in a nightclub and whether they consciously do it or not, will have a ‘bro’ shot taken of them. There are numerous characteristics which define the ‘bro’ shot.
1. At least one person in the photo needs to have their arms over the shoulders of another. This lets the viewer of the photos know that the people in the photo are super best friends. Guys feel the need to establish this. They are of the mindset that if they don’t have their arms around each other, someone will see the photo and just assume they are a bunch of strangers standing next to each other.
2. None of the guys smile. Like girls, guys find smiling pretty passé. However, instead of doing the ‘duckface’ they do the bro-face. The bro-face is a slackjawed look. Imagine if a photographer asked you to say ‘cheese’ but instead you said ‘Boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyzzzzzzz.’. Go try it in front of a mirror. Maybe even take a photo of yourself doing it in the mirror.
3. Someone in the photo will be making some kind of symbol with their hands. It’s pretty apparent that guys don’t know what to do with their hands when in a photo. Leaving them by their sides isn’t an option. Pointing at one of the other guys in the photo is pretty common. It’s the classic ‘I’m with this guy’ body language. Like the arms are the shoulder, it helps establish you’re out with the bros, just in case the message wasn’t conveyed well enough in the photo. Other common hand gestures include the ‘Radical cowabunga surfer’ gesture and the rock music festival gesture. It’s cool because everyone will think you are listening to limp bizkit in da club.
The awkward posture shot.
You’ll notice that a lot of girls have their photos taken with some god awful posture. They bend their knees, lean forward and arch their back upward as if they were walking in a room with a very low ceiling. I think the reasoning behind this is to accentuate their curves, and get a nice camera angle looking down their blouse to a trick the viewer to think they have bigger breasts than in reality. The only other reason I can seem to justify this god awful posture is that the camera man must be a dwarf.
The alcoholic beverage picture.
As I mentioned earlier, people find it necessary to let the world know via social media what they are eating. Drinking is no exception. It’s not uncommon for people to be caught snapping photos of some terrible cocktail or corona bottle just to be a pretentious ass-wipe. When I make someone a cocktail these days, the first thing someone does when I give it to them is take a photo. Forget about tasting it. Who gives a shit how it tastes. First priority is to let all your friends at home know that you are drinking a drink that they can’t immediately taste and will have no idea whats in it. It doesn’t even matter. So long as it is in a fancy glass or bottle, it will attract the approbation of the whole friend circle. I might as well just fill a martini glass with raspberry cordial, water and throw a cherry in it. The internet will be equally as impressed with what they are seeing and can’t taste.
Give my little game a try. See how long you last before your liver fails.
Gone are the days where a nice photo was a professionally taken smiling family portrait. Long live instagram.